It’s been at least 13 minutes since Chelsea bought a player they don’t need and withdrawal symptoms are biting hard. As such, they’ve begun talks with RB Leipzig, the idea being to swap Christopher Nkunku and cash for Xavi Simons. Though presumably the deal wouldn’t actually be a swap, rather 793 separate deals payable over 32,321 years with the players valued at knockdown prices of £9065m and £19324m, respectively.
Nor will that be it. No squad is complete without someone who scores few and creates fewer, so Enzo Maresca is also keen to add Alejandro Garnacho to his squad. Leipzig, meanwhile, would like to acquire Harvey Elliott from Liverpool, who reportedly rejected a move to Nottingham Forest as he does not think they suit his playing style – they must’ve expected him to start rather than hang about as sub. Rather, he is said to favour a move to Serie A instead: the golden era of Harvelissimo may be just a few short weeks away.
Chelsea are, though, also looking to sell – most particularly Nicolas Jackson. Newcastle, having been rejected by Benjamin Sesko, Bryan Mbeumo, Hugo Ekitike, Ian Ormondroyd, Liam Delap, Ian Olney, João Pedro, Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney and Peter Davey, seem most interested in the striker who cannot strike; the player himself seemingly prefers Alloa Athletic, San Marino Academy and Wormwood Scrubs Reserves. But if all else fails and given how much the Gallowgate loves a No 9, the romantic thrill of following Hughie Gallagher, Wor Jackie, Supermac, Coley, Sir Les and Alan Shearer means he’ll instead accept whatever he can find that isn’t that, but if that’s all he can find, then that’s what he’ll do.
Similarly, Randal Kolo Muani, another centre-forward target, would rather join Juventus, where he spent the second half of last season on loan, while Liverpool are keeping an eye on Yoane Wissa, whom they might take should they fail to relieve Newcastle of Alexander Isak. Quite why and how all these players have failed to be dazzled by Eddie Howe remains a mystery, but here we are.
In other striker news, Ruben Amorim has packed Rasmus Højlund’s bags, put his house on the market and booked him a one-way to ticket Anywhere But Here; Højlund retains every confidence he will soon be Manchester United’s first choice. However, should his manager remain unseduced by his preference for wrestling defenders to scoring goals, Milan are interested; they’d like a loan with an option to buy, whereas United just want shot of the shot-shy.
They are, though, considering taking Dominic Calvert-Lewin on a free transfer. The out-of-contract player has reportedly dismissed his agent to negotiate his own deal, which makes sense if you consider how much spare time he has, while 13 seconds of persistence appears to have worn down Jack Grealish – he’s agreed to join the Toffees on loan from Manchester City, who are also trying to shift…
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