S.H.I.E.L.D
Though rumours abound that, somewhere in the USA USA USA, the Copa Gianni continues in perpetuity, Donald Trump cavorting with Infantino in front of a rapt crowd of -67, back in England, the new season is well under way. Somehow, the Community Shield – or, to give it its proper name, The Annual Curtain-Raiser – has negotiated the logistical nightmare that is a transfer window yet to slam shut, revealing a game that, in a shocking turn of events, did not encourage one to pretend that football does not and has never existed.
Liverpool took just four minutes to go in front with a gift significantly more charitable than the Shield itself: the opportunity to hear “Ekitike” said in a scouse accent, a joy perhaps even more intense than Ross Barkley saying “Lukaku”. And what a finish it was, the champions’ new striker showing exactly why a team which scored 86 league goals last season – 14 more than the next best – invested so much money in him and the also-impressive Florian Wirtz (if only they’d not conceded 41, the most of any title winner in 12 years). Arne Slot does, though, hope to address the imbalance by spending considerably more than £100m on Alexander Isak.
In the meantime, though, his team are able to rely on the mononymaniacal “Virgil” who, after conceding the penalty from which Jean-Philippe Mateta equalised, treated all bar the -67 to one of the finest sights in all sport: righteous indignance at the effrontery of the cosmos in failing to accept divinity of his will. Were there hilarious puns to be made comparing the Aeneid to a body-part, or the Iliad to an intelligence-challenging insult, we would surely dive in, but sadly there are not. It wasn’t long before Liverpool retook the lead, courtesy of Jeremie Frimpong’s fluke second goal. Palace, though, remained uncowed, fighting their way back into the contest and, in the second half, looking the likelier scorers. But just as they looked like running out of steam, Milos Kerkez – a left-back better going forwards than backwards, signed to replace Andy Robertson, etc and so on – lost track of his whereabouts, in the process allowing Ismaïla Sarr to equalise.
Palace might then have won the match in normal time, but with a cross into the box looking dangerous, Alexis Mac Allister – arm well away from his body and raised to shoulder-height – took the ball away from Sarr. Oddly, Virgil’s search for truth was less pronounced this time – likewise that of the officials – so to penalties we went, a shootout of notable incompetence failing to provoke the dignified gentlemen of the internet into a flurry of misandric rage and condescension. The Daily can only conclude they are all somewhere in America, among the -67 still rapt by the sight of Trump cavorting with Infantino.
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